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Beautifully Unfinished

My little girl is two years old. Naturally, I am pulling my hair out on daily basis. She's had her share of toddler tantrums; however, recently they've gotten worse. So worse that I've begun to question if they're normal. I'm going somewhere with this. I promise.

You see, I'm bipolar and it scares the dickens out of me that maybe she could be too. The other day she got so frustrated about something she started hitting herself. In. The. Face. As her mother I couldn't lose it in front of her. I couldn't let the huge knot in my stomach take over and force me to my knees in sheer panic.

I didn't want her to know I was scared. Afraid that she might turn out like me.

Instead, I calmed her down and directed her attention to something else. Later when she was napping I sat down and let the full effect of that moment hit me and hit me it did. Wave after wave of guilt crashed over me. I cried and prayed she didn't have my mental issues.

Guys, mental illness is no joke. Growing up with it is even worse. When I was a kid there were no such things as "bipolar or manic depression." It was "she's overly dramatic" or "she's acting out because she had a hard life." If you had issues you learned to hide them. You cried alone. You hated yourself alone. You walked around with all of your questions unanswered. Nothing made sense and nothing made you feel better. Happiness was fleeting. Anger, sadness and emptiness consumed you. There might have been some light, but the darkness was always bigger.

I was in my mid-twenties when I was diagnosed with manic depression and received medication and therapy. It helped. Several years later I was reevaluated and it was determined I was bipolar. I got new meds, continued my therapy, and I am in a much better place. I can talk about my experiences with confidence. I am not ashamed of who I was or what I went through.

I am not ashamed of the darkness or the places that it took me. I am thirty five and I am finally accepting of who and what I am. But, I am still sad for my daughter. I don't want her to struggle with what I did. No mother ever wants any ill will to come to their child. Mental or physical.

The good news is my husband understands and so do I. She is too young to diagnose anything and she is probably just going through a horrible phase of terrible twos. If she does turn out to have a mental illness at least we can help her through it. We can get her the help she needs early on and I can relate with her and never ever let her feel alone with it. Even when she reaches the point when she has to work some of it out on her own. I can still be there. I can still watch from afar for the signs of the darkness and not let it consume her.

Because she is only two and she is beautifully unfinished...

Bonnie Rae

Comments

  1. God bless you, dear, for I know EX-actly how tough your mental dysfunction can be. I have it, too, though not in psychological, but in physical. I'll pray for you. Lemme x-plane...

    Rather than sending me to Hell (I was a naughty-naughty boy), God chose to send me a head injury! YeeeHaw, Paw!! Lemme wanna fill-you-up withe avant-gardeness and wisdom necessary to achieve Heaven with ANOTHER dry, succinct commentary of our predestined existence determined by U.S. ...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty??

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2 plus IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HeeHee Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI: As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politics, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in (Latin: words to wise).

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (in [the] end without end -Saint Augustine) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires.

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
    thesuperseedoftime.blogspot.com
    infowars.com
    -YOUTHwitheTRUTH
    -------------------------------
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoo, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, Young Kook: -blessed b9...

    God blessa youse
    (trust-N-Jesus)
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

    ReplyDelete
  2. God bless you, dear, for I know EX-actly how tough your mental dysfunction can be. I have it, too, though not in psychological, but in physical. I'll pray for you. Lemme x-plane...

    Rather than sending me to Hell (I was a naughty-naughty boy), God chose to send me a head injury! YeeeHaw, Paw!! Lemme wanna fill-you-up withe avant-gardeness and wisdom necessary to achieve Heaven with ANOTHER dry, succinct commentary of our predestined existence determined by U.S. ...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty??

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2 plus IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HeeHee Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI: As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politics, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in (Latin: words to wise).

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (in [the] end without end -Saint Augustine) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires.

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
    thesuperseedoftime.blogspot.com
    infowars.com
    -YOUTHwitheTRUTH
    -------------------------------
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoo, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, Young Kook: -blessed b9...

    God blessa youse
    (trust-N-Jesus)
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

    ReplyDelete

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